THE ITCH: KARL'S RESPONSE: PART TWO

After I'd come to some conclusions regarding the points Karl had raised, I returned to his paper(s) and quickly found that Karl had managed to put aside the questions of sexual fidelity he had raised (at least for the time being) and moved on to some real introspection. "I decided to stop thinking just about the sexual things and began to look at the bigger picture," he wrote. "I am a sub, your sub. You are my Dom, I truly worship you, and I know that my number one priority is your happiness. I love that we've created a life together where we can both feel fulfilled, and I must never forget that your needs come first and always will. That thought has never left me and it's absolutely basic to who we are. You know this too, and yet you've always allowed me to express myself at some point, even if it's after a harsh lesson or punishment, and you've always given real thought to whatever I had to say. 

He went on: "You've allowed me to serve you alone and with your Femdom friends.   You've set up scenarios to satisfy my "slave" fantasies.  You've even loaned me out to Vanessa and trusted me to limit my sexual contact with her despite knowing full well that she might prove untrustworthy in that regard. In other words, you've had faith in me, allowed me physical contact with other Doms, and never harangued me with thoughts of jealousy.

"Who am I to deny you the very same thing? What sort of a sub would I be if I didn't trust you? What sort of relationship would we have then? I don't think either one of us would like it. You say that this itch is not about sex. You say that you still love me. You say that you have no intention of messing up our relationship. I must believe you. I must trust you as you've trusted me."

I was awestruck at his words, but Karl was not done yet.  He was about to drop a bomb.  "As I've thought more about those early training days, I started to feel a nostalgic connection to what that was like.  It turned me on to think about it and I began to wonder if I could experience that again, just as you want to do.  What would it be like to be trained anew by another dominant woman as if I were a novice once more?  I'm sure every training experience must be different with different dominant women, and even though I've been fully trained as your sub, there might be new things to be  learned from a different perspective.  Maybe if both of us were doing a "back in time" thing we could reach some new heights in our current relationship.  

"You'd have to find the right woman for me, of course.  Or am I being crazy here?  Am I making this about myself and not you?  Whatever....I'll leave it up to you.  I trust you completely.  If you want to go ahead and train a new sub, I won't object.  If you don't want me to serve a new Dom as her novice, that's fine.  I'm probably being nuts anyway when I even suggest it.  The important thing is that you are happy and know that I will not try to stand in your way as you scratch your itch.  I love you totally, and will serve you forever."

And that's where the composition ended.  The last part was a total surprise to me.  Karl had given his blessing to my desires despite his misgivings.  He had expressed total belief in me.  He would not try to stand in my way.  And...AND.....there was this thing about him wanting the same sort of thing, albeit from the other side, so to speak.  Since the thought had clearly occurred to him as a response to my itch, was it just a knee jerk sort of thing that would have him play a part in my itch scratching, even if it were clearly marginal?   Do I just ignore that part of his writing?   I certainly CAN ignore it in my position as Karl's Dom.

When we finally discussed what he wrote, I told him I would take his idea of being re-trained himself under advisement, but that finding a Dom I trusted with such a task would be very difficult, at best.  There are many more sub wannabes out there than Femdom wannabes, and I'm not at all sure that I even want such a thing for Karl.   I expressed my happiness at his ability to deal with my wishes, and his total trust in me, etc., etc., and that's where we left it.

Well, there's more to ponder, but for the moment I can feel a sense of relief that Karl has accepted the itch and I have a clear path to training a sub once again.    As for the immediate future, I'm definitely feeling excited about the prospect of training a new sub, and I am giving some thought to the idea of a re-training for Karl at the hands of another Dom, though at this moment I feel less than excited at the prospect.  Am I a selfish person?  Of course, and I've never denied it:)

So much to think about!

THE ITCH: KARL'S RESPONSE

Those of you who follow this blog know that several weeks ago I told my husband Karl of my desire to once again train a novice sub.  You can read about this in my previous blog entry for more details, but essentially I gave him the task of coming up with a plan whereby I could scratch my itch.  By putting him in this position, I'd hoped he'd arrive at a solution that satisfied both of us, something that had eluded me for weeks despite input from my friends and readers.  Karl did as he was told, wrote a lengthy "composition" and presented it to me a week after I'd assigned him the task.  I didn't discuss his writing with him immediately, telling him that we would talk about what he had written when I' d had the time to read and digest it myself.

His composition was quite lengthy and very personal.  Rather than publish it here verbatim, I'll summarize what he said and quote some of the more salient sections of his paper.  He began by stating that my explanation of what I wanted shocked him, and he went through a range of emotions when he started his essay.  Anger, fear, rejection and dismay were his immediate reactions, and he started many drafts of his response in a heated mindset that he later brought under control.  "I'm glad that you gave me a week to write this," he said, "because I threw away most of my first efforts when I calmed down enough to get my head on straight."

As the week progressed, he thought a lot more about what I was seeking, and why.  "I realized that there was no way for us together to replay those early days of my training.  I too was tremendously excited and turned on by the whole process back then, and I can't blame you for wanting to feel that again, especially considering the years before you met me when training new subs was a regular thing for you, and clearly something you loved.  I know you gave that all up for me when we knew for sure that we were in love and wanted to get married and spend our life together.  The fact that you consider me your "masterpiece", that you have no wish to break up our marriage, that you still love me, and - very important - have no wish to have sexual relations with someone else is very, very gratifying and important to me."

So far, so good, I was thinking, but Karl was nowhere near finished.   "However," he continued, "the whole question of fidelity comes into play.  I know you said that you had no intention of going back on our vow of monogamy, but what about sexual fidelity?  I know that you get turned on by all the things you do to a sub when you're training him.  You've told me that you even consider your feet an erogenous zone, and it physically turns you on to have them worshipped.  I'm not complaining about that, of course, since I love to worship your feet, but you just can't say that there won't be any sex involved even if there's no intercourse.  Everything you'd be doing to the sub would result in a sexual feeling for you, which I recognize, but I can't say it's a good feeling to have you experiencing that with someone else.  When you were training me, there were times when I was allowed to kiss your breasts, or your pussy, or your ass.  Is that going to go on with this new sub?  Is that always a part of your training regimen?"

Ouch.  Karl was raising some strong points here, and I must admit that I wasn't exactly in a comfort zone as I digested his words.  He was right, of course.  There was no point in denying that I'd be sexually involved even if intercourse were not part of the equation.  Could I really ask him to accept that?  Karl had always satisfied me sexually, and still did, so what would it do to his ego to think that it evidently wasn't enough, that I wanted more from a different sub?  Did I?  Did I want more?  Was that what this itch was all about? 

I thought long and hard about this while Karl was waiting many days for my response, and I came to what I feel is an honest conclusion on this matter.  The answer is no, my itch is not at all about more sex.  I can get all the sex I want, any time I want, from Karl.  It's about the training, and though there is an unavoidable sexual element, it's not really the point.  The point is the whole process of taking a novice and introducing him to his own inner self.  Making his fantasy a reality instead of just a masturbatory dream.  Watching him learn what's expected of a sub, what his life could and should be like if he's to be true to himself.  Except for Karl, and this is important, the sexual aspects of training are secondary for me.  Karl was the exception, and such an exception that we wound up married and living out our lives together.  He was still being trained, and always would be, but I wanted that experience of training a new sub again, and that was simply impossible to do with Karl.

I had put down his composition at this point to ponder what I'd already read, and it was a few days before I picked it up again.  A surprise was waiting for me in those pages that I never anticipated.  I'm going to stop here for now, but I promise I'll be back soon.