This will be a short blog, but I wanted to thank the many people who commented and offered suggestions concerning my last entry, "The Itch". The majority of commenters seemed to favor mentoring as an alternative to my desire to have a personal relationship with a budding sub once again. Several suggested bringing my husband Karl into the equation, either as a participant or an observer. I invite you all to read my answers to these suggestions in my last blog, and rather than go over them all again, let me use a list to clarify my thinking:
1. I have rejected the idea of a mentorship. I don't feel this will give me what I'm after, which is the one-on-one relationships I used to have with beginning subs.
2. I don't feel clear enough on the direction I'll eventually take to bring my husband Karl into the discussion. That will have to wait until I am certain about where I'm going in this matter.
3. The question of whether starting a new relationship with a sub would violate our vows of fidelity remains a concern. The fact that there would be no classic sexual contact is perhaps moot in that sexual contact can take many forms, classical or not. The fact that I can be aroused by having my feet, ass, etc. worshipped, and a sub would also be aroused with same, muddies the waters of "sexual contact" considerably. After all, if there's arousal from and with someone other than my husband, am I not being unfaithful? One thing for certain is that this is a potential can of worms and I'd be well advised to have total clarity on this issue before proceeding.
4. Marriage - and love - is a far different situation than simply having a sub who is basically a plaything. I have the former, but I'm craving the latter. Quite complicated, to say the least.
One more thing to consider. I've discussed this situation with my closest Femdom friend, Vanessa. She is the only one of my circle who has also been married, though her marriage was far different from mine (they were into infantilism) and her marriage ended badly. She does, however, know what being married in a FLR is all about, so her opinion seemed relevant. Her conclusion was that there was no sense in bringing Karl into the discussion at all. She knows him and his history, and she doesn't feel there's any way he could accept my "itch". She said that if I were so concerned with the fidelity issue, I either had to forget the whole thing or relax my definition of fidelity and just go on and do what I want, knowing that in my heart I wasn't being unfaithful to my marriage. "After all," she said, "you ARE the Dom, right?". She also suggested that we could team up with a new sub, which in her opinion would ameliorate the "guilt" question quite a bit. Just two Doms having a bit of fun, as we did several times back in college.
Well, I'm not sure I buy Vanessa's reasoning, but I must admit it is a bit intriguing. Or am I grasping for straws? More as it happens.
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ReplyDeleteGood day dear Lady,
Getting in contact with this Lady migth be of some help, as she seems to have found the solutio enabling her to make her hsband / slave relationship last
http://msscarletuk.wordpress.com/
Best regards and wishes of success,
Alex
Lady Grey,
ReplyDeleteI think Vanessa is telling you to 'lighten up'. You are totally in control of your actions and the actions of karl. karl knows that and obviously agrees. Yes, by partnering there will be less guilt; maybe no guilt. Perhaps this could be Phase 1? You two can enjoy, teach, take and maybe display to karl - all under the auspices of Total Female Control. Phase 2 will come in time as you decide; or maybe it won't.
Respectfully, tony
Maybe you could try some variations. Presently I am training my sub hubby to understand and obey gestures. I choose two days a week where I simply don't give him verbal instructions. Instead we are practicing and getting him to memorize and obey me purely by gestures and body and facial movements. It is a bit tedious (for him), but he is learning quick as mistakes are severely punished. So far he has been trained to ask permission to sit on the sofa, go to the toilet, begin eating, choice of dress and lingerie etc all by simple and hopefully obvious movements of his body. My replies are also gestures. I intend to try this out when we have company. It will be fun ensuring obedience in public without saying a word!
ReplyDeleteHi Lady Grey,
ReplyDeleteLike a vanilla couple that have the option to look elsewhere once boredom settles in or work on making it exciting I see this no differently.
You value your relationship with Karl and it would be a shame to ruin it.
Perhaps try stepping things up, take him out of his comfort zone with his domestic chores & serving you.
Train him to serve you out of his comfort zone, maybe on the dance floor? To serve you in a foreign language?
Good luck, I love your blog and it's helped me enormously.
All the best,
Ben
The very basis of a FLR is trust. Each person believes in their heart that the other can be trusted to do what is best for the relationship, not just what is best for themselves. Karl has trusted you with his soul. When you accepted his submission you accepted that soul and it is now your duty as his Wife and Mistress to care for and protect that soul. Fidelity is a crucial part of that soul. Regardless of what friends or other subs say, no amount of mental or verbal gymnastics can alter that. He has honored you with his submission, his heart, and his fidelity. please honor him. Respectfully Stan
ReplyDeleteLG,
ReplyDeleteYou certainly received several good idea ideas from your followers. At the end of it all it is still you choice to make. I also see in this conflict how much you love Karl. At some point you will need to sit down and discuss this with him. If you leave this itch unscratched you will develop a resent towards Karl.
Vanessa's idea may be the choice but I have to ask if sharing a sub is simply justifying this in your head?
She was right that you are the domme and have the last word but when you are in a relationship such as we both are these choices are not always easy. I wish you luck.
Alex - I have read much of Miss Scarlet's blog (although I haven't checked it lately) and she is indeed an admirable woman who has done amazing things with her husband. Thank you for the suggestion, and I'd certainly recommend her writings to all. Unfortunately, the requirements she employs to get in touch with her don't work for me.
ReplyDeletetony - I'm still considering the partnering, but as others have pointed out (see the comments after yours), it might just be a case of mental gymnastics on my part to think that a partnering is really any different than just doing it on my own.
Anonymous Mistress - How intriguing! Putting the onus on your sub to come up with non verbal gestures that reflect his subservience is a delightful idea. I'm not sure it would scratch my itch, but it would certainly be an effective exercise that would be quite different for Karl and I. Karl has been well trained to follow many of my gestures, but your idea would definitely put a different slant on things. Thank you for the suggestion, and I'd love to hear more about the gestures AND the severe punishments:)
Ben - I certainly can't disagree with what you're saying, and I definitely don't want to ruin our relationship. That's why I'm wrestling so hard with this question. Thank you for your suggestion, but "dance floor" has me wondering!
Stan - You're in danger of making me feel guilty! Don't think I'm not already considering what you say. This is becoming quite a hornet's nest of thought processes. We'll see if I can avoid being stung or not.
QG - You're right, of course. I can't see any way of dealing with this without talking to Karl about it. I'm afraid that if I go that far, damage will occur just by bringing it up. Ultimately, I suppose I must decide whether this itch is strong enough to justify the risk involved, or come up with some way of talking to him without messing up what we have. I need a stroke of brilliance!
However, as you've correctly pointed out previously, it's going to be nearly impossible to scratch this itch, one way or the other.
QG - Sorry! I meant to say "NOT to scratch this itch".
ReplyDeleteHello Lady Grey,
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time commenting on your blog, so please don't take it the wrong way.
Vanessa is rationalizing, which you seem to know since you are questioning her argument, but you also seem to want to buy it.
Relaxing your definition of fidelity regardless of how your husband feels, just so you can be guilt free, does not mean you're not cheating. As you said, her marriage ended badly. You seem too smart to take marriage advice from someone like that but you do seem to be looking for support to do so.
I'm not trying to moralize you. My personal beliefs about fidelity are not the issue here. I'm strictly being objective in interpreting the situation. If fidelity, as defined by you and your husband, means what you're doing would be cheating and he would be hurt by it, then it's cheating. No matter how much you "relax" your personal definition.
With respect to "you are the Dom, aren't you?" Well, to me, that means squat. A D/s relationship is still a relationship. I don't think it gives the dominant the right to pull rank when it suits selfish ends.
Good luck with your decision.
The best definition of love I know is that it is ultimately about wanting someone else's highest good. And whilst I recognise that a relationship so heavily built upon dominance and submission works somewhat differently than the majority of relationships, I wonder whether your inner conflict has not already given you an answer to your reflections. Perhaps accepting it is what you finding difficult?
ReplyDeleteHello once more dear Lady,
ReplyDeletein yesterday's comment I forgot to precise - as the conclusion seemed logical enough - that should you choose the "total slave" soution, then you are, of course, free to do whatever you wish with whom you wish.
Best regards and wishes of luck,
Alex
Hello again, Lady Grey.
ReplyDeleteThis does seem to be a very complicated situation. If I try to anticipate Karl's reaction to this, I think he would be okay with this. I believe his mindset is one where it would hurt his feelings and devastate his submissive pride, but at his core he would not deny you something that would bring you pleasure or happiness. That being said, it's a harsh realization that by being too much, he has become not enough.
I think the most interesting battle here is your guilt vs. his potential fear, jealousy, hurt feelings, etc. Do you enjoy the thought of his emotional turmoil if you were to take on a new sub? I think the answer to this question will draw a strong parallel with the route you end up choosing to take.
Take care.
Patrick- The "moral" question is certainly in play here. Were I to use the "I'm the Dom" argument, there would be no problem at all, but as you say, that's a rationalization that's not consistent with our relationship No, it's going to take more than that, and as I'll write soon, I think I've come up with the answer. Glad you took the time to comment.
ReplyDeleteRob - Your point is well taken. All of these comments have helped push me toward a solution, which I'll cover in my next posting. Thank you for your thoughts.
Alex- I am familiar with Madame Ingrid's writings, and though some claim that they are fiction, I've certainly been impressed by many of her methods, real or not. Th level of submission she demanded was definitely that of a slave to a heartless Mistress, and I don't feel I could sustain that as a constant - nor would I want to. Which is not to say that I don't enjoy many aspects of that sort of relationship on a temporary basis. After all, I am an unashamed sadist and it's great fun to let that aspect of my personality come to the fore now and again.
fur- Causing emotional turmoil can be very useful, but this is a whole other level. I'm not interested in emotional turmoil that's potentially devestating to our relationship. There's a fine line that I'm not willing to cross here, which is what is making this all so complicated. I do believe, however, that I've come up with a type of solution, and I'll get to that in my next blog entry.
Dear Madam,
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with those who think it is solely your decision. These are not an equal relationships and you are the leading and dominant side in your marriage. For 7 years you have taken your husband through an experience that most submissive man in the world can only dream of and I’m sure he is thankful for every moment.
Now it is his turn. For him it is an opportunity to scarify for you, to suffer for your happiness and amusement. Cuckolding is a common practice in Femdom relationship and he should appreciate your will to take him deeper into submission and further degrading experience.
I can understand his fear and concerns but would humbly suggest not cheating on your husband. A long as you keep him a part of the game e.g. driving you to meet others, waiting in the car to take you back home, watching while he is retrained in chains even serving you and the new sub, etc, he has no say and no right to complain.
After all these years of training he’ll cope with the situation and finally thank you breaking this limit as well.
Humbly yours,
dream sub
I hope you will consider doing a review of my book: Real Women Don't Do Housework
ReplyDeletehttp://www.scribd.com/doc/207590365/
dream sub - I'm assuming that when you used the word "scarify" you meant to say "sacrifice". I don't disagree with the concept of having Karl sacrifice for me, but neither one of us wants cuckolding to be a part of our relationship. As previously stated, cuckolding in my frame of reference involves sexual intercourse, or "fucking" if you prefer. That's not what I'm after in regard to the itch I'm trying to scratch.
ReplyDeleteAs for cheating or going behind his back, I agree that it's not advisable, and I don't plan on doing it that way - though I admit that at first it did cross my mind.
Fumika - Thank you for thinking of me as a reviewer, but it's not something that I can do at this time. Good luck with your book.