Many Femdom bloggers are experiencing a case of the doldrums lately. Between boredom, apathy, and uncertainty, there's a certain lack of pizzazz in evidence. I'm no exception, and in examining my own lethargy of late, I find myself wondering if we Doms are not feeling the effects of too much good behavior on the part of our subs.
It seems to me that the more experienced Femdoms are feeling the need for change the most. Queen Goddess is bored, Suzanne seems a bit uneasy, Ms Marie is actively seeking a female sub, Mistress Misty is looking for new subs, and Mistress Forever Hers hasn't posted for some time. All of these ladies are experienced Doms with well trained husbands/subs/slaves, and it appears that they're all looking for something to stimulate them further.
Have we trained the boys so well that we are now the victims of our own success? In my own case, my husband Karl is doing everything I want. After his retraining earlier this year (see my posts from last December through this February), he's adhered to every rule I laid down, is performing every ritual I desire, and is an uncomplaining sub/slave no matter how many obstacles I place in his path. When not in sub mode, he's an intelligent, caring husband with whom I can share intellectual and hedonistic pursuits. I'd have to be some kind of idiot to complain.
And yet.........a certain spark seems to be missing. I'm on record as having said that I believe that the Dom is 95% responsible for the flow of a Femdom relationship, and I still believe that's true. So there's no conclusion that I can reach that avoids the fact that it's up to me to do something about this situation.
For me, this means that a shakeup is in order, and the best way to do that is to change the rules. I don't need anyone's permission to do that, least of all my husband's, so that's what I'm going to do. In essence, I'm about to punish him for all of his good behavior by creating new rules that will force him to struggle enough so that he deserves the retraining and the inevitable punishment that goes with the territory. Is this terribly unfair to him? Of course. Will he realize that I'm doing this just to shake things up? Yes, he's smart enough to get that. Will he complain if I make his life miserable for awhile? I doubt it, but I almost hope he does. That would make it even more interesting.
Just talking about this gets my juices flowing, so I know I'm on the right track. I want the joys of training again, of molding my sub in new directions, and the aspects of training that involve the administering of pain and discomfort in order to achieve my ends are very attractive to the more sadistic parts of me.
What's more, I'm going to change some of my own rules for myself, including the one where I never allow my sub/slave/husband to co-mingle with other subs. I think a little slave competition might be in order. More on this as the situation develops.
I'll stop here for now.
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| "YES, I KNOW THINGS ARE CHANGING. DID YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF PROBLEM WITH THAT? |
Photo from THE NEW BOOTBLACK'S OUBLIETTE.
The caption is mine.
Dear Lady Grey,
ReplyDeleteSuch an impressive group of dominant ladies... And they are bored? Restless? Looking for something more? A few thoughts come to mind...
Even the most successful D/s couples are vulnerable to routine, comfort, and complacency. They may be even more susceptible, or sensitive, to the lessening of the spark because the intensity of the D/s flame can burn so hot. It's not that something bad is happening, it's just the usual paradox of human nature, desperately seeking comfort and stability, and then feeling restless when it has been achieved.
It brings back to mind the very subtle differences between routine and ritual. The former is behavior on auto-pilot, with a loss of excitement, and perhaps some taking for granted. The latter is feeding the fire through reinforcement. What elements make one a slippery slope and the other the source of tension that provides electricity?
Rule changes are definitely a promising course of action. I've always felt that creativity, imagination, exploration, and the will to keep learning and experimenting were critically important in finding long-term growth in a D/s relationship. And maintaining the intensity.
For others, introducing other players into the mix may be the solution, in the short-term and/or the long-term. The inevitable pull toward leather families? Or open D/s relationships?
A fascinating subject, and a very real problem. There is so much to discuss, to share, and perhaps to experiment with and track. I bet you there's a seminal book project in this. Unfortunately, I have to cut this comment short... I must return to my house duties for my Goddess. ;)
But I would say that this is a conversation that needs to continue... for a long time. It takes a while, and quite a bit of success just to get here. That's good. Nothing to be ashamed of. Now what? Different approaches need to be explored and shared. Approaches that need to be given some time to develop and mature. And after a while, shared and contrasted.
In an ideal world, where people are not all so busy, it would be interesting to gather 6-12 experience D/s couples for a weekly discussion on rekindling, or growing, the flame. Then comparing a year down the line what worked for which couple. By that time, it'll be time to change again.
OK... really have to go. Thank you for sharing, and for putting such an important topic out there.
Best Regards,
Dymion
Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but this statement is really bugging me:
ReplyDelete"I'm about to punish him for all of his good behavior by creating new rules that will force him to struggle enough so that he deserves the retraining and the inevitable punishment that goes with the territory."
I don't know how Karl is, but I do know that for a lot of submissive men, our ultimate desire is to do as the woman we love and adore wishes. Good behavior is a badge of honor, not a boring status quo. It's what we strive for. To suddenly discover that that's somehow unacceptable and deserving of punishment is not only confusing, it's incredibly disconcerting and disheartening.
Having the rules changed up just because she wants to: that, I (and, I suspect, most submissive men) get. It's the dominant partner's prerogative, and it does indeed help keep things fresh and prevent ruts. But I know that if I started to receive the message that being well-behaved and obedient was a problem, I'd at best be very confused. More likely, I'd become very frustrated (and not the good kind of frustrated). Perhaps even to the point of starting to shut down, if I feel like there's no way I can succeed in pleasing the woman I serve.
Again, maybe I'm reading too much into that one statement. But I do think it's important for a dominant partner to recognize what motivates the submissive partner in the relationship. For those of us who ultimately wish to see our partner pleased by our behavior and actions, the message that good behavior has somehow become displeasing or even just boring is a major blow. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a domme wanting to change up the flow of things, but I do think she needs to be careful to do so in a way that doesn't discourage her partner. Because that's not going to be enjoyable for anyone.
LG, You do make me stop and think. Have we been at this so long and trained our subs so well that we have done this to ourselves? Your posting always leave me looking inwards. As you so accurately pointed out it is 95% up to us to keep things moving and like Karl, hubbette follows the rules to a T leaving little opportunity for punishment. I too have already started my rewrite for annual training and will do things much differently this time.
ReplyDeleteWe all are guilty of letting our postings slide and perhaps that was a sign that we were all slipping into the duldrums we find ourselves in now. Perhaps we all should make an effort to post more often and inspire each other.
Maybe we should post about our retraining experiences in hopes of inspiring each other. I'll comment again because as always your postings as thought provoking and always leave me with additional thoughts and ideas.
Hmmmm, are we too good at what we do?
QG
I love the idea of slave competition! What a great teaser. As always, I'm looking forward to seeing what you have in mind!
ReplyDeleteLG-
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't share your premise, based, as it is, on nearly completely unverifiable inputs, your latter musings are, I believe, on target.
That is,
"And yet.........a certain spark seems to be missing. I'm on record as having said that I believe that the Dom is 95% responsible for the flow of a Femdom relationship, and I still believe that's true. So there's no conclusion that I can reach that avoids the fact that it's up to me to do something about this situation.
For me, this means that a shakeup is in order, and the best way to do that is to change the rules. I don't need anyone's permission to do that, least of all my husband's, so that's what I'm going to do."
First, it's far better for you to choose to expand your sub's limits and/or range of submission than to get change from his acting out/up in order to get punished.
Second, as I have written in the past, I believe that fear is an important, necessary part of a healthy, growing and viable FemDom relationship. If the submissive doesn't fear Mistress' power and ability to introduce undesired change, there is a spark missing.
Finally, I think the bane of vanilla relationships is boredom and lethargy. Staleness.
For Goddess' sake, if a FemDom relationship can't deliver constant variety and change, what relationship style can?
There are endless ways to go, aren't there? Variations on the existing, e.g., more and edgier pain, or servitude. Or introduction of completely new areas, as you are evidently about to do. Fwiw, that would, for me, combine fear and a most fervently undesired activity- close contact with other male submissives.
Thus, simply being informed of said change, then introduced to it, would be a shock of cold water to my submission.
But it sure wouldn't be boring.
Perhaps, as suddenly occurred to me while writing that last passage, the real test is what a Mistress can do- whatever She can do- that causes considerable soul-searching and self-re-examination on the part of the submissive regarding his dedication to his Mistress. His desire to surrender and obey Her demands.
A sort of renewal of submissive vows through obedience and surrender, rather than some showy re-collaring ceremony.
-saratoga
The doldrums are definitely here!! A shake up is beyond needed. Hubby, for the most part, behaves well. (Key words..."for the most part"). But, it just doesn't have the same pizazz. Yes, he does his chores. Yes, he rubs my feet everyday...but I don't really give a crap!! I've recently taken all of hubby's tank tops (he wears these in the winter time underneath his sweaters/sweatshirts...), and replaced them with pretty camis. His initial look of shock was quite enjoyable, but even that lost it's fun quickly. And yes, I have a lot of the blame. I've let things get this dull, and I have also let some "little things" slide (again). So much for this being the most wonderful time of year!!!
ReplyDeleteAlthough difficult, I know I have to look at where I failed and remedy this painfully boring situation. I will be posting soon, but for now I have to get ready to beat hubby's ass. He is in BIG trouble tonight...
M
The last little bit has me quite curious, Lady Grey. Allowing contact but in a rival position rather than one of camaraderie is definitely an interesting scenario to put subs in.
ReplyDeleteI think the direction you are heading is right on for bringing the spark back. It's kind of odd that while many subs do seek to attain perfection in their service, reaching long-term perfection is somewhat undesirable for both parties.
I have a feeling that Karl's subspace has probably adapted to where "the now" is normal (whereas a year ago it would have seemed extreme) and I'm fairly sure he is at least subconsciously wanting you to knock him off balance. If he wasn't okay with this I doubt he would have passed your early tests :)
Dymion - I fully agree with your use of the word "paradox" in regard to this situation. I'd even take it a bit farther and apply it to your discussion of routine vs. ritual. The paradox there is that ritual - which you applaud as "feeding the fire through reinforcement" usually becomes "routine" in the end. Just about everything tends to become routine in the end, and there's the rub.
ReplyDeleteYour conclusion about the need for regular change mirrors my own thought process, and it's just that we Doms sometimes forget that fact. We become complacent due to our own satisfaction with the seemingly positive status quo. That, without doubt, is a mistake, and can only result in a stale D/s relationship.
murmel - I understand your point, but you left out two very important words at the beginning of the sentence that is troubling you. Those words are "In essence". What I meant by using those words is that I'm not going to say to my sub/husband "Well darling, you've been an exemplary sub and I'm now going to punish you for being so." Those are words I would never use for obvious reasons (as you point out), but "in essence" that's what I'm actually doing when I change the rules of the relationship and bring about the need for new levels of training and the concomitant punishment/reward sessions that BOTH of us enjoy.
I know my sub/husband very well after all these years, and I have no doubt that he will recognize the concept involved. The need for rule changes will not make him feel as though his previous efforts and behavioral successes were unappreciated by me.
When you say... "For those of us who ultimately wish to see our partner pleased by our behavior and actions, the message that good behavior has somehow become displeasing or even just boring is a major blow"...I think you're being a bit unrealistic. Satisfactory behavior can indeed become boring, as can any aspect of a non-changing relationship. It shouldn't be seen by a sub as a "major blow" when that happens. An experienced sub would likely be aware that the relationship had lost a bit of its edge, and should welcome a change that is designed to rectify that situation.
QG - Thanks, as always, for understanding what I'm trying to say about a Dom's need to control the relationshp. Yes, we all tend to let things slide, especially when they're going well, and it takes something like a "boredom blast" to get our brains back where they should be. We're in charge, and that brings about a lot of responsibilty for us. Change is vital. I'm going for it, and I know you are too.
Ms. Marie - Yes, it should be fun It's something new for me, so I'm planning things out as best I can. I'm looking forward to sharing the results. Any ideas are always appreciated.
Saratoga - I'm very glad that you reiterated your views on the concept of fear in a D/s relationship. I totally agree, even though the very mention of fear "strikes fear" in the minds of so many inexperienced Doms who don't want to think of themselves as "meanies".
ReplyDeleteIf change brings about fear for the sub, so much the better. A sub should be kept unbalanced, and unilaterally declared change (by his Dom) on a fairly regular basis is certainly un-balancing. I think such fear is a good thing for the sub, and I'm rather certain that an experienced Dom enjoys her ability to instill it. I know I do. I suppose we're back to the sadism question again, but I think I've already written more than enough on that subject:)
I love this sentence: "For Goddess' sake, if a FemDom relationship can't deliver constant variety and change, what relationship style can?" Oh so true. Maybe you should put that one on posters. Required viewing for both subs and Doms.
M - Oh no! Have I inspired an ass beating for your husband? Damn, now he's going to hate me even more. Well, I'm sure it will do him a world of good, though heaven help him if you really go on the warpath. Let's hear it for a shakeup! Hubby is in for a shock.
Fur - Sorry this is out of order, but that's what happens when a comment arrives while one is answering another comment! At any rate, you're spot on in what you say, in my oh so humble opinion. I really believe that the attainment of a sort of perfection leads to its own demise in the end. It's just unsustainable, and then what's a Dom to do? Change things, of course. Yes, Karl does understand this, and is aware that said change is in the air. I do enjoy the little shiver he gets when I hint at such things!
ReplyDeleteAs for the rivalry aspect, it's new to me as well. As I said to Ms. Marie, any suggestions are welcome. I'd really like to get this right the first time.
Lady Grey,
ReplyDeleteNice to see you post again, and i find this topic to be very interesting, as it is a "sneak peak" into what the future with Cleo and I will likely face down the road as Cleo hones Her skills and i get better at obedience.
If you don't mind a comment from a newbie here, sometimes the best solutions are the most fundamental. And this gets back to your exchange with murmel. There are times when i know i have been perfectly obedient to everything required of me by Cleo. And yet, out come the paddles anyway. Why? Because it amuses Her. i am not being "punished" for being good, per se - i am getting my ass beat to get my attention. It is so i do not get too comfortable and remember that She is in control and can "punish" me at Her whim. For us, as you have observed, our rules seem to be constantly evolving. So a red butt is a "heads up" that new rules are coming into play. And it works - She totally gets my full attention and...guess what...suddenly we have new rules and a taste of what happens when i fail to obey them to Her satisfaction.
And yes, i concur that there is a bit of a malaise in the blogdom lately (including our own), at least in the blogs i follow.
Marc
It's called putting him into a catch-22. If he behaves in such a way that he's denying you the enjoyment of punishing him, then that, in and of itself, is deserving of a punishment.
ReplyDeleteIn the Matrix movies, they said that in a previous society they created, it was a life of bliss and leisure for humans. But that did not work so they had to revert back to where people had to struggle (i.e. the world as we perceive it now). Maybe this is some part of you that's acting up to keep feeling you need to reshape him.
Or another analogy is that the journey is more enjoyable than actually being at your destination.
Oof... I don't really know where to start.
ReplyDeleteI guess there are a couple of ways to look at it:
1) Having them compete at a common activity.
2) Having them compete at who can best serve their Domme at an individual task.
I know you are a fan of scrotal bondage, have you considered some kind of tug of war game or humbler races?
Marc - Yes, you'd better get used to constant change. You and Cleo are just beginning to explore, and there's a lot of "this works, that doesn't" at the beginning. Hopefully, it will be a long time before things get stale for you. Looks to me as though Cleo has no intention of letting things get boring!
ReplyDeleteanon - Catch 22's are the name of the game in D/s relationships for both parties. I agree with you that the journey is more enjoyable than the destination, but the destination is also fun until it becomes too repetitive, at least for me.
fur - I've considered both #1 and #2, as well as something with humblers. I don't like the ball tug of war stuff, though. It seems to me there's a real chance of injury if the boys get too rambunctious. I thank you for your input.
Well now, this is interesting!
ReplyDeleteYou have obviously sparked quite a bit of interest with your post Lady Grey and I can understand why.
I want to express a thank you first of all for mentioning Me within your post.
Now .......where do I begin?!
Punishing for good behavior, a concept that would undoubtedly bring about an uneasy feeling with a slave. Thus, end result having a slave who is unsure of their capabilities to please you. Which isn't a bad thing to produce, as a comfortable slave is not necessarily what one wants to accomplish.
However, all the time and efforts taken in training might result in confusion as well for your slave. Would this introduce a complexity for you as well, during re-training?
Like a post I did in October called "Venting" - where I took out frustrations and stresses out on lil pussy. I "punished" it because I wanted too. Not because of anything it did wrong but it was merely for My pleasure. We as Dominants have that capability and can do whatever we want, when we want.
A well trained slave is what we all want to accomplish with all our hard work. It takes a lot of time and patience for both parties involved. I do not reward lil pussy for good behavior much of the time for it's good behavior is what it should do anyways.
However, punishing for good behavior will in-balance the essence of all your training as well.
Punishing because YOU want too, is another story. It is there to please you, no matter what. That is, after all; what it's there to do.
The boredom etc. others are experiencing, I am not too sure about. So far, I have not yet had a dull-drum moment. That isn't to say, I may have one in the future but, what I do know from My experiences is that; I think of new things to do, to experience and explore. Whether it be a hard limit or not. BDSM play, can be as extreme as we make it, or not. We carry it to where we want, if we like it; pursue it further, if not, we can stop.
Like you said, the relationship falls upon the Dominant more so; and that is so true.
If you do decide to do this with your slave, I would be curious to learn of your results. I am sure with your experience and intimate knowledge of Karl, that he will respond as you desire and your wishes will be met and some new ones found.
M
Mistress Misty/Divine Destiny - Your comment and Murmel's are making me think that I gave this blog posting a misleading title. I'm not looking at my sub and saying something like "You've behaved beautifully, so now I'm going to punish you". What I'm saying is "You've behaved beautifully, but now it's time for some changes in the rules. You will have to be re-trained in several areas."
ReplyDeleteKarl will understand that new rules and new training will be accompanied by rewards and punishments. That's part of the deal, and being trained is a turn-on for him as well. I don't believe he will regard this as a slap in the face, nor will he feel that his good behavior has been for nought.
As I wrote: "Will he realize that I'm doing this just to shake things up? Yes, he's smart enough to get that." He is not going to regard these changes as a personal affront to his efforts, so I don't think that this will unbalance our relationship or the essence of his training in any way. I'll let you know how it all works out, and I thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Lady Gray;
ReplyDeleteAh! Indeed! I understand where you are going. The title did misdirect Me, even after I read your post; I was still confused. Your clarification did the job.
Training your slave is indeed a big aspect; and I can understand your need for this. Once you've accomplished this task, do you think you'll fall into the same "rut" as you are in now?
It seems to Me that you both thoroughly enjoy the "training process" and it is rewarding for you. I, on the other hand am a bit different.
I find the training process to be one of great demand upon Me, as it requires My full attention in all aspects. I prefer, to enjoy the "fruits of My labor" so to speak.
Once a slave has been trained to My specifications, I more enjoy - the sitting back and being served and knowing My Realm is as it should be.
I believe, there are many levels and degrees of servitude. Any of which, can be accomplished whenever you so choose to meet your demands.
An example, Jan 1-2012 I will be going through a new regime Myself, which will entail new training, protocols and demands - So I know where you are coming from. This task I've set upon Myself, is all for the enhancement of My life and a deeper level of servitude for lil pink pussy.
Kudos Lady Gray, I will enjoy reading your adventure!
M
@Lady Grey: I'm guessing we're ultimately confronted with an issue of semantics here. To me, "boring" (and its variants) connotes something different than simply wanting to change things up. In my lexicon, "boring" in the context of a relationship goes beyond things being repetitive or in need of a shakeup; it's a value judgment, and not a good one.
ReplyDeleteFrom reading your comments, I see you're coming from a different point of view on this. One that I don't quibble with. Every relationship benefits from changing things up from time to time, and it can be especially exciting as a submissive to have to be on your toes in response to a new or changed mood from your dominant partner. As I mentioned in my original post, that part I absolutely get.
The important thing is what you've mentioned a couple times: Karl will get what you mean. There's an inherent limitation to letters on a page/screen; good communication between a couple who know and love each other makes it much easier to know the intent behind whatever the words are.
Mitress Misty - Glad we cleared that up. As for your "rut" question, I think it's almost guaranteed to happen again at some point. Just when or why is anybody's guess, but as long as one is aware that ruts are inevitable (at least in my style of domination - evidently less likely in yours) then one can look upon the "rut" as an opportunity for re-training. Since I find that enjoyable, to say the least, I'd be foolish to regard it as a negative. BTW, I too look forward to hearing about your January training program.
ReplyDeletemurmel - I'm glad we understand each other a little better, Allow me one "quibble" - I never said that I was bored. I only used the word to quote Queen Goddess's latest blog posting title ("BORED!!!!"). Her blog's name is "I Am Her Maine Sub" if you'd like to check it out. I simply stated that as far as my own relationship goes, "...a certain spark seems to be missing." Quite different.
Hello
ReplyDeleteMy name is Jack. I'm the author of a popular guide called "Jack's Blowjob Lessons" ( you can Google it ), I ran into your blog ( site ) and I believe that your readers might find my guide valuable. Please tell me if it is possible to write a guest article on your blog ( site ) and/or do you write book reviews? If yes, I can send you a copy.
Thanks in advance,
Jack
Jack - No, I'm not interested in writing book reviews. Plus, I can't really imagine why my readers would want blowjob lessons. As for a guest article, the answer would also be "no", Why don't you just start your own blog - it's quite easy.
ReplyDeleteLady Grey- Far be it from me to provide you advice, but I want to say you raise interesting thoughts. I have to thank you, seeing your post and replies from so many other favorite posters gives me hope for more from all in the future. :)
ReplyDeletesometimes spanked - Thank you for your positive comment. A lot of the ladies I mentioned are blogging again, and that's a very good sign that the juices are flowing once more.
ReplyDelete